Content warning: Suicide, depression, and dysphoria.

I just watched Oliver Thorn’s video on suicide, and… I don’t know if I’ve felt such emotions outside of just general terribleness since… whenever puberty started for me. I was just expecting generally another great video on philosophy, and, yeah, I did get that. And then a feeling into my psyche and his so deep that I couldn’t stop crying for half an hour. I haven’t cried in 3 years. Not once. And it feels selfish, to only have shed some number of tears over the loss of the ones so close to me. But all of those emotions came pouring out of me, like time had been stopped for all these years and just suddenly became again. I know it’s probably silly to just go on about this, but, I really can’t find enough words to describe how much I felt watching it. I don’t know how to describe my feeling toward it. Love? Empathy? Something in between, I suppose..?

I’ve suffered so much from the cold and inviting fingers of the siren of suicide, the thoughts that plague my mind every day. The pills I take to silence it. The days I forget, and remember the call. The days I want it all to end. The days I want my life to end. I don’t feel then. It’s just cold distrust of the world, of myself to live. Misguidance by my own thoughts. It never ends. The part where the doctor is questioning him felt like seeing my past in another person’s eyes. From there on I saw so clearly. It felt so familiar. Seeing the emotion in his face go from the fun character I see so often to something I’ve felt so closely was so powerful I could not help but just feel it too.

We are all so susceptible to our own knowledge.